Before You Get Married You Have to Ask Your Partner These 7 Key Questions

Every couple of months, about half a dozen divorcees find their way into my inbox. Their messages are usually the same, no matter what stage of divorce they’re going through.

“I’ve realized my husband and I are incompatible. I don’t know why I didn’t see it earlier. How do I navigate this process?”

“He almost ruined me with the lies he told. He destroyed our family and closed our bank accounts. How will I rebuild after this?”

Or…

“I’m finally free after 30 years of pretending to be someone I’m not. I want to show my kids what it’s like to get it right for once. Can you help me?”

Each time, my answer is the same. Of course, I can help, but not unless you’re willing to get to the *root* of the problem.

I say this because what many don’t always realize (until it’s too late) is that marriage is more than a lavish celebration or the exchange of rings; it’s a commitment that demands foresight, understanding, and a deep sense of compatibility.

Before pledging to spend a lifetime together, partners must undertake the challenging yet vital task of laying their cards on the table through heartfelt conversation and emotionally honest dialogue.

From discussions about parenthood desires to financial transparency and envisioned life trajectories, the questions we ask our partners before getting married to them are key to discerning whether that marriage has the legs to run the full gamut of a committed partnership. By addressing these topics early, couples can ensure they’re not just blinded by love but are also a practical match that can stand the test of time.

Couples have to do the heavy lifting before they get married.

Falling in love is fun. You meet someone new and for the first time in a long time, you don’t feel so alone in the world. Things move fast from there. You share each other’s friends, you meet one another’s families. Then the big dreams begin. When will we get married? Who will stand beside us at the altar? Wedding bells start chiming, but so many of those bells are silenced in just a few disastrous years. Why?

I see it time and time again in the clients I coach daily. They jumped into marriage and serious relationships without looking or thinking about what comes after. A whirlwind later, they were standing married next to someone they didn’t know how to talk to and couldn’t get along with. What happened?

In many of these cases, there was a lack of preparation on behalf of both partners.

Swept up in the passion and the romance of it all, they forgot that marriage is a business partnership. You and your partner are teaming up to take on the insanely difficult task of conquering life together. You’re banding together as a village and promising to hold one another’s backs while seeing to the difficult milestones of family, career, and the hardships of being human and alive.

Couples who are angling for marriage have a duty to set the groundwork first. What does that mean? It means sitting down and ripping each other open in a gentle and compassionate way. Marriage is a huge task, and it takes partners who are not only committed but on the same journey too.

The only way to find that out is by talking to one another and making sure both partners have complementary ideas of what they want their marriage to be (or not be).

What questions should couples ask each other before they get married?

Every couple should do the preventative work of making sure they and their would-be spouses are on the same page. That can’t happen without having some uncomfortable dialogue and a willingness to be honest and open with the person you plan on spending the rest of your life with.

1. What are your family goals?

The family question is a big one when a couple is in it for marriage. Will there be children? How many children will there be? Do both partners have the same idea of what family life will look like, and how labor will be split? Numerous couples find themselves at an impassive crossroads when this big question isn’t addressed.

Before you and your partner so much as consider marriage, you have to be clear on what your family goals are. You’ll get to the root of the answers you need by asking questions like:

• How do you want to parent?
• How will we make the children?
• What if the plan changes?

There are so many revelations that are revealed in these lines of questioning, including the desire to have a family, health concerns, etc. It’s a fundamental conversation for any couple to have if they are serious about having children or raising a family together.

2. How do we communicate?

One of the most common causes of divorce is miscommunication between partners. Communication is the foundation on which the entire relationship is built. You need communication to connect, to organize your lives, to compromise, to rediscover attraction, all of it. Without healthy communication approaches, couples are likely to fail.

There are different communication styles and different approaches that people take. A part of building a healthy relationship (that has the power to last) is making sure both partners communicate in complementary ways, and that they are willing to compromise and work together through communication.

Before the first big fight, before the first “hard talk”, both partners should sit down and figure out what works for them. Ask your other half how they want to be spoken to. Tell them how you want to be spoken to and what type of communication works best for you. Make sure you’re on the same page or at least willing to get there.

3. What is our financial reality?

Finances are another big cause of relationship breakdowns in couples. I’ve seen it myself firsthand. When money gets tight, the stress gets high. If one partner ends up carrying all of the financial burden, resentment can soar. Financial conversations are a must for new couples. As the relationship grows, those conversations have to continue.

Some of the best tips for opening up the financial conversation are the simplest ones:

• Have the conversation early, before finances become entangled
• Take turns speaking about your finances and financial goals, expectations, and *failures*
• Be ready to compromise and work to budgets that work for both partners
• Come back to the discussion if things get heated or intense
• Check back in with one another on a regular basis to talk about finances and to reasses milestones

As always, the best path is prevention. Have a hard talk about money *before* problems arise in your marriage. Make sure you’re on the same path with someone who has the same (or complementary) goals when it comes to money and making it work for your future. Honesty is key. Always be upfront about where you’re at financially with your partner.

4. Where do our spiritual lines lie?

How important is spirituality in your life? Many couples don’t consider this early on in their relationships. The more naive among them believe that they can keep the two things apart. It’s like a romantic separation of church and state. Couples tell themselves that they can each have their separate spiritual practices, but that’s not always the case.

For some, spiritual beliefs are the backbone of their social lives, their family units, and the morals that guide them through life. As much as they would like to tell themselves they can reconcile with entirely different beliefs, that’s not true.

Some people need partners who complement their spiritual beliefs. Early in the relationship, it’s important to have these conversations and to be honest about spiritual and religious relationships. If you’re not on the same page about going to church, death rites, religious practice, or even the religion of your children — you could be setting yourselves up for failure.

5. What kind of balance do you want?

Balanced relationships are healthy relationships, and they are more likely to last for the long term. That balance is one of the hardest things for couples to achieve, however, especially when they aren’t committed to communication and figuring each other out early on. Balance is where we draw the line between fun and responsibility, loyalty and reality.

What kind of balance will there be in your relationship? How will duties around the house be split? How will emotional labor be loaded between the two of you? How will each of you chip in and make sure the children are taken care of? The pets? Your careers? Your self-fulfillment?

The balance must be considered between things like your work and where you will spend your time together. Your parenting and where you will reconnect as lovers and friends. How are you going to juggle the responsibilities that life throws at you, while still maintaining the passion that you share for one another? Having this talk (and a plan) before marriage could save your relationship.

6. What’s your background?

Asking the background questions is one that gets overlooked by a lot of couples. Your background is like your origin story. Your past relationships, your childhood, the quality of your relationship with your family, all of that adds up to paint a picture of who you are and who you have the potential to be.

Understanding your background also provides a lot of insight into your relationship style and any quirks or hangups that you may have. For example, if you were raised in a high-control community or family, you may not be willing to deal with a partner who desires a “traditional” relationship in which one partner holds dominion over the other.

Looking at your partner’s background can inform the decisions you make as far as investing in them too. If a partner is chosen who has a lot of childhood trauma in their background, but they haven’t also done the work of therapy, they could have problems later down the road.

As responsible partners, it is our responsibility to ask our partners about the experiences that shaped them *before* we find ourselves trapped in a relationship we can’t escape.

7. Who do you want to be?

Some couples go into marriage focused only on the moment. Their ideas for the future are distant, and grand. They are swept up in passion and the excitement of the moment. Who they are and who they want to be is not necessarily on the forefront of their minds…but it should be.

Knowing both who you are in the present moment, and who you want to be in the future, is a key part of picking the right people and experiences to fulfill you. How can you even pick the right partner to spend the rest of your life with if you don’t know what you want your future to look like?

Before saying, “I Do,” and walking down the aisle, every serious couple should sit down and talk about their dreams for the future. Tell your partner who you want to be. Ask them how they envision themselves in ten years, twenty, or thirty. Now consider who you plan on being. Do they match? Do they have the same goals?

Be honest about the person you ideally envision becoming. Perfect isn’t the goal here and neither is grandiosity. Figure out how you’re going to get across that finish line and decide (with your partner) if you two are as aligned as you believe you are

What happens if your goals don’t match?

Where do you go once the tough conversations have been had? It’s comfortable to imagine that the person we choose to get serious will have all the same answers as us to the biggest questions…but that’s simply not the case. When you get deep and serious with someone else, you don’t only get the answers that you want — you may get some responses that are at odds with your plans.

What then? So many partners stumble at this hurdle, slipping into the “sunk cost” fallacy when they should be taking action to get on the right track to love.

Believing they’ve spent so much time and effort falling in love with the wrong person, they’ll stay anyway. Why? Because they won’t allow themselves to “waste” all that love they’ve poured into the ill-fated relationship. Or, they fear humiliation so they refuse to walk away.

Here’s the tough truth that you (and my coaching clients) don’t like to hear:

If you ask your partner the above questions and discover they have entirely different views and desires that don’t mesh with yours, it’s your job to reconfigure your role and walk away.

That doesn’t apply to every issue. Some goals can be compromised. Some milestones can be readjusted and reconsidered. Many of the questions above, however, are non-negotiable. If you are with someone who wants children, but you don’t, you can’t compromise on that difference or wait for the other person to change…you have to go and find a partner who has those same goals as you do. Anything else will guarantee disaster.

***

In the dance of marriage, success often begins with communication. The steps you take before exchanging vows will set the rhythm for the life you’ll share. Thus, engaging in open, heart-to-heart conversations on the non-negotiables each partner has is pivotal.

Finance, family planning, personal ambitions, and career aspirations aren’t just topics for idle chat; they’re the threads that make up the tapestry of your shared existence as a married couple. Asking questions *now* will help you avoid the knots of misunderstanding later.

Should stark, irreconcilable differences come to light, it is both the privilege and obligation of each partner to make the responsible choice — stay and grow together or part ways amicably. The right relationships are out there; they often just require difficult questions first.

Do you and your partner have the courage to ask those questions? Do you have the courage to be honest with one another?

Remember, the right marriage fosters mutual growth, respect, and joy. Start having those key conversations today to ensure your futures align, setting the stage for a duet that soars rather than stumbles. And if you find yourself needing the tools to build a healthier marriage, don’t walk the path alone — apply for 1:1 coaching with me. Together, we can choreograph your conversations for a lifetime in unison.

© E.B. Johnson 2024